With a New Year dawning tomorrow, there will be 366 new days (one extra because of leap year) for politicians to cause mischief and mayhem in the state of Colorado. Therefore the Inside Edge has offered ten lucky politicians ten resolutions to make for the New Year to limit the carnage and confusion in Colorado in 2008.
1) Congressman Doug Lamborn: “I hereby resolve that in 2008 I will not leave angry voice mail messages on any constituents’ phone no matter how true their charges are against me, even if those charges are published in a widely-read thought-journal with vast circulation like the Woodmen Edition. Instead I’ll just send hate mail.”
2) Former Jefferson County Treasurer Mark Paschall:
“I hereby resolve that in 2008 I will not ask for kickbacks from my fellow cellmates when I offer to procure for them bibles, cigarettes and Escalades even if I am well connected in Jefferson County government.”
3) Secretary of State Mike Coffman:
“I hereby resolve that in 2008 I will not drop out of any campaign, like I did in 2006, especially if I’m leading in the polls, unless of course the GOP asks me too, and then I might, unless I resign as Secretary of State first in which case I might run for County Commissioner after spending 8 months in Kurdistan finding myself.”
4) State Senator Thomas Wiens: “I hereby resolve that in 2008 I will actually run for a political office that I’ve talked about.”
5) U.S. Senate candidate Bob Schaffer:
“I hereby resolve that in 2008 I will send Pete Coors a thank-you note in November from Washington, DC as I look for an apartment. I’ll write ‘Ps. Tell Bill Owens Senator Schaffer says hi.’ ”
6) Governor Bill Ritter:
“I hereby resolve that in 2008 I’ll only do 2 more favors for Big Labor unions, no matter how much pressure they put on me or how many phone calls they make to me. Don’t they know it’s an election year? OK. 3… or… maybe 4 favors. But no more!”
7) U.S. Senate Candidate, Congressman Mark Udall:
“I hereby resolve that in 2008 I’ll move to the center. And I’ll block Dennis Kucinich from adding comments to my myspace.com profile.”
8) State Senator Ken Gordon:
“I hereby resolve that in 2008 I’ll stop texting Secretary of State Mike Coffman and ask ‘How’s the campaign going? Anything I can do to help?’I’ll also stop texting Governor Bill to remind him that I’m available should the Secretary of State office open up.”
9) Colorado County Clerks and Recorders:
“We hereby resolve that in 2008 we’ll run elections however we damn-well please if Mike Coffman isn’t going to help us.”
10) Political Consultant, Sean Tonner: “I hereby resolve that in 2008 I’ll stop hurting my clients with my political advice, like I did with Coors, Owens, Trailhead, Beauprez, Coffman. Wow. That’s a pretty sorry record. Maybe I should resolve to stop working in politics all together?”
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